Speechless

I don't even know what to title this blog post: "Wow." "I Never Thought It Would Happen To Us." "Are You Kidding Me?" "God is SO Amazing!" All of those titles would be appropriate. Most of you reading this probably know by now that we are pregnant. Two weeks ago we were pleasantly surprised with a positive pregnancy test. Well, 2 pregnancy tests actually because Miles didn't believe the first one and made me go to the store and get another one! But it's official now. I think we're still in shock. I honestly never thought we'd be one of "those" couples who got pregnant after we started the adoption process. We have been told for the last 6 years by a few doctors that we would never be able to have children of our own without medical intervention. Well, God had other plans. And they are perfect plans. We are so humbled, and ecstatic beyond words.

Today I had my first prenatal doctor appointment and we were able to see an ultrasound of our little "peanut." Seriously, he/she is only 7.1mm long. That's pretty tiny! But he has a heartbeat already. We weren't able to hear his heartbeat, but we saw it on the screen. (I say "he" not because we know the sex of the baby already, but because I'm convinced it's a boy. Miles thinks it's a girl.) So now we are praying for a healthy, full-term pregnancy and that everything goes well between now and January 31st -- the BIG DAY. Or so the doctors are predicting at this point. We haven't told Gabby the big news yet because she is still too young to understand that it will be another 8 months before she gets to meet her new brother or sister. So we're waiting until it gets closer to the DAY, or until it becomes blatantly obvious because I can no longer carry her around because of my large belly.

Speaking of Gabby -- she continues to do well and is adjusting better and better every day. She was so excited because her preschool put on an end-of-the-year program. She kept calling it her "talent show" and couldn't wait to get up on that stage. Although she made the audience laugh because through the first 3 songs she would yell out, "Where's my mommy?" at every break in the song. I guess Miles & I were out of her line of sight, so we had to move so she could see us and concentrate on her singing.

She never fails to make us laugh with her funny comments. The other day this is what I overheard her praying, "God, I'm sorry that Jesus is dead." So I had to remind her that Jesus is no longer dead. On the way home from preschool today she informed me that when she gets bigger she is going to "jump the fence at Brianna's house." Brianna is one of my small group girls. I have no idea what that means to Gabby to jump the fence at Brianna's house, but it made total sense to her. Too funny.

She is totally a daddy's girl. She loves being wherever Miles is and loves doing things with him. The other day they were playing outside after dinner and decided to lay in the grass and look at the clouds. It was too cute.

We are truly blessed!!

You Know You're the Parent of a 3-Year Old When:

You buy expensive soap at Bath & Body Works and it's almost half gone in 3 days.



You hear phrases like, "Mom, tickle God's leg too," and "Wake up, Jesus. You want to do yoga with me?" (Gabby's new 'imaginary' friend is God and her rubber snake is named Jesus).



Your daughter makes you a Mother's Day gift at school and then bursts into tears because she wants to keep it for herself and eat the chocolate instead of give it to you.




You go to 6 different stores trying to find a "fairy" costume for an hour-long tea party, just to see the look of joy on your daughter's face.



Everyday items become toys, musical instruments, science lessons, or craft supplies.



You find yourself humming Veggie Tales songs, or the theme songs to Backyardigans, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, or Little Einsteins.



Your lunches now consist of Mac & Cheese, hot dogs or PB&J sandwiches.


The day after the Fairy Tea Party, you find yourself going for a walk around the neighborhood with Tinkerbell.



The highlight of your week is the 31 cent scoop night at Baskin Robbins.

Springtime Family Fun

I realized that I haven't posted to this blog for a few weeks. Life has just been moving on, as busy as ever. We made it through Gabriella's first Easter with us -- complete with an Easter Egg Hunt in the rain. We were pulling into the church parking lot and Miles turned to me and said, "You brought an umbrella, right?" Oops! I remembered the Easter basket and the camera. At least we all had hoods on our jackets!

On Easter Sunday we went to church and then drove to Sandpoint to have lunch with Miles' family. It was the first time for Gabby to meet her Uncle John, Aunt Michelle and 2 cousins -- Nichole and Angela. It was a very busy day and Gabby and I both fell asleep almost instantly when we got in the car to come back home.



I am so excited because Gabby is learning to love books and reading time. When she first moved in, I couldn't get her to sit through even one book at bedtime. Now the library is one of her most favorite places, and she can sit and listen to me reading for a half an hour or more. When I can't sit down and read to her, she'll even sit and "read" through the books herself. She LOVES Dr. Seuss books and we are slowly reading through every one we can get our hands on. So one night last week Miles thought it would be fun to have green eggs and ham for dinner. It kind of psyched us out to eat these nasty-looking eggs, but it was a fun dinner. Gabby thought it was really funny, so it was well worth it.



We bought Gabby a bike and when the weather is nice, she is learning how to ride -- slow, but sure!



We feel like we are still on a sharp learning curve in parenting a child with attachment problems. She definitely keeps us on our toes, and daily we pray for wisdom in how to respond to her in a way that will make her feel safe and learn to trust and bond with us. She still seeks out strangers to try and provide for her, pick her up, give her affection, etc. But we know that this is not because she doesn't love us, but because it is scary to trust us when she has already lost 2 other "families" in her short life. Thankfully we have the support of a wonderful counselor who is doing some good, yet hard, work with us and Gabriella together.

There are still days I look at her and think, "Wow, she is my daughter." God is so faithful to us and I am humbled by this little girl He lovingly brought to us.

Surgery

Today Gabriella had to have her tonsils and adenoids removed. I'm not sure who the experience was more traumatic for -- her or me! I was not at all prepared for the emotions that welled up in me when I saw her go under the anesthesia. I started to cry, and the anesthesiologist actually asked me if I had accidently inhaled some of the gas. I had to explain that no, I was just emotional.

The surgery went great. She was a lot disoriented and angry for about 15 minutes after waking up from surgery. They had to take her off all monitors and IV's because she wouldn't stop trying to rip them all off. And she made this low, demonic growl at both myself and the nurse. Thankfully that's not the child she is all the time. I finally got her to calm down once the pain medication took effect, and she fell asleep in my arms for about an hour and a half. She was discharged 4 hours after checking in and we were able to come home. Thank goodness! Miles went to the store and bought her a bouquet of flowers and a "get well" balloon. She was so excited

She has spent the afternoon on the couch, drugged up, eating ice cream and drinking lots of fluids. She really dislikes the taste of the pain medicine, so I have a feeling that tomorrow, when left with the option of taking it or living with some discomfort, she'll opt for discomfort. I am just thankful everything went well and now we are hoping she'll finally be able to get a good night's rest with no sleep apnea.

Life as we now know it

There is a saying that imitation is the highest form of flattery. I think no one can understand this as well as the parent of a 3-year old. I have learned a lot about myself this last week and a half since we now have one of those creatures running around who watches everything I do. I forget how much she is watching and absorbing, until I hear her say something just like me. Today she went to put her doll to bed and I could see her from where I was sitting on the couch. She did an entire bedtime routine with her doll, and she did it EXACTLY like I do it every night.

So one afternoon I decided to channel this desire to be like "mommy" and had her work alongside me. Because I work from home, I have to try and get in my weekly hours by doing it mostly here and there. I've become pretty good at maximizing my early morning hours, and my evening hours. One afternoon I needed to have some time of just sitting down at my desk and doing a few things on the computer, but I knew Gabby wouldn't last that whole time doing something by herself. So she sat on the floor next to me and I put her to work shredding paper. She thought this was so fun. I gotta keep that one in my back pocket for another day!

I've been trying to come up with activities to keep her occupied and engage her brain in different ways. Thank you, Aunt Debbie, Uncle Darin, Tyson, Logan & Avery for the box of craft supplies. That was a definite hit! Today I sat at the table to do more work, and gave Gabby a bowl of dried rice and beans, along with 2 other empty bowls and some measuring cups. She sat there for almost an hour scooping the rice and beans from one bowl to another, and pretending she was baking. There was quite a collection of rice and beans on the floor when she was done, and when I pulled out the hand vac to clean it up, she insisted that she do it, so I let her. She's quite the helper. She likes to dust when I give her a microfiber cloth, and she'll also ask for the little hand broom and dustpan so she can clean the kitchen floor.

But honestly, it's more than just the labor benefits that we're enjoying about her!! She has brought a LOT of joy and even more energy into our home. We are so thankful for her and are praying hard for a good outcome on the 20th of March when Grandma's appeal is heard.

Adjustments

I think everyone in our household is getting used to each other, and hopefully this week is going to be calmer than last. Last Friday, in addition to picking up Gabriella (the 3 year old) on Friday, the 14-year old we had staying with us for 2 weeks was returned to her grandma's care. It was a very hectic and chaotic day to say the least, with one foster child moving in and the other one moving out. Gabby has been adjusting pretty well. I think she still has some confusion as to who we are and some anxiety over whether or not she is truly here to stay. We have tried to explain things to her at her level of understanding, but until the issue with her grandma is resolved, we can't yet promise her that she will be with us forever. We have told her that we're her "for now" parents and that she is safe here. Fortunately I do have a book about adoption that tells the story of a child who goes from his "first mom and dad" to his foster parents to his adoptive parents. So I've read this to her and we've talked about who all these people are in her life. We have let her set the pace in terms of what she calls us. Sometimes I'm "Brenda" and sometimes I'm "mommy." Miles has somehow morphed into "Daddy Miles." She still struggles with not being in the same room as us, and if we go into another room of the house she will have to constantly check in with us, if not verbally then she will physically come find us. If we don't respond or if she can't see us, she bursts into tears. There have also been some sleep difficulties, with her not sleeping as well as she should. We're hoping this will all come in time. Yesterday morning she was up at 4:30a.m. and I had to convince her that it was still the middle of the night and to go back to bed! But I'm not sure if she ever fell back to sleep.

On top of all of these adjustments, we also had a friend of the family (one of my small group girls) move in with us -- Tabatha. Tabatha lived with us for a while when she was 15. She is 18 now and a freshman in college. She hit a rough patch in her life and doesn't have a very supportive family, so Miles & I stepped in to support her. We are trying to help her get on her feet and just love on her. Miles is teaching her how to become a barista. It has actually been great to have her back home with us because she's just a part of the family anyway. And Gabby loves having her "big sister" here.

Brenda's Musings

With the beginning of the new year, we've jumped back into fostering. It's an adjustment to get back into "parenting" mode and live in the state of flexibility that is needed when one is a foster parent. We have taken a 3-year old girl for the weekends, to give her foster parents some respite. And then last Saturday night we got a late night placement of a 14-year old girl. There is still a lot of uncertainty about how long she will stay, but we have opened our home to her for as long as she needs it. She is a very sweet girl and it's sad to see her suffering and having to be uprooted from everything she knows, and be separated from her siblings, just because of the poor choices of her parents. She told me that she felt very nervous and scared as she was walking up to our door with her social worker on Saturday night, but that as soon as she walked into our house she felt a peace. That made me tear up a little bit because that is why we do this. We want to be a safe haven.

I know that this is a unique ministry we've been called to do. And there are so many things I enjoy about it. But this week I've been struggling again with the "why's." Why can't we have a child? Why has it been so difficult for us to adopt? When will I get to hold a baby I can call my own? (Okay, so maybe more like the "why's" and the "whens") :)

But yet I know through all of this that God has a plan. And it's a good plan. No, a GREAT plan. I think of all the Bible stories I read in which I only look at the fulfillment of God's promise, and forget to look at all of the years in between the promise and fulfillment.

I think of Abraham and Sarah who kept celebrating birthdays year after year, wondering when this promise of a child would be fulfilled. Of Joseph who sat in prison and then worked in a foreign land for years before He saw the fruit of his heartache. Of the nation of Israel who waited for the Messiah for centuries, even through the silence of the prophets for 400 years. The Bible says that "God is not slow in keeping His promises, as some understand slowness." He is right on time. And I know that will be true for us. In HIS right time He will bring a child or children to our family, and one day we will have an amazing testimony to share about His faithfulness.

I don't know why I felt a need to blog these thoughts for all of you to read. Partly to ask for your prayers on our behalf. Partly to remind myself of God's faithfulness. And partly to encourage you who may be reading this. I always want to chose to trust God and surrender to His perfect will for my life, even in the midst of my longing for a child or other uncertainties in life. God knows my desires and He knows your desires. This is not the path to parenthood I would have chosen for myself, but God is choosing to use Miles & I in a unique way. There is a passage in Job that I love: "Though he slay me, yet will I hope in Him." (Job 13:15). Sometimes it feels as if our dreams have been slayed. Dreams for a child, for a husband, for a job, for security, for health. YET WILL I TRUST HIM. What else can we trust in? What else is a sure as the love and the grace of God?

Well, those are my musings. My sermon for the day. I praise God because He is faithful. He is trustworthy. His ways are not my ways. And that's a good thing. No, a great thing.

Thursday Night

Here they are, eating our food and breathing our air. Curses!

I made floats for them.

It' s an odd group.